A companion piece to this earlier post. In the earlier writings I expressed some of the doubts and worries that can eat at me and sometimes they loom large.
Today, though, they seem so far from my mind that I wonder why I stepped into that quicksand so blindly yesterday.
I know now that it was recollections of the past that ensnared me. Rather, recollections of my state of mind in the past. A state that was unsure and afraid, caught up in a hazy existence where nothing was to be quite what it seemed and the only way forward seemed to be to act a part. What led me so astray this weekend?
Perhaps the sight of a number of weddings at the Citygarden on Saturday evening, all fairly ostenatious and shadowing my own first mistaken marriage. Perhaps it was the contemplation of meeting my aunt in South Africa later this year, an unplanned development and one that is keying into long buried and not happy memories that relate not directly to her but to myself as I was when I last saw her – when? – perhaps thirty years ago.
Probably a bit of both, mixing it up and fogging my way. Easy then to slip off the path through the marshes of my mind.
What surprises is not much that I fell, but that I am able to get out of the swamp as quickly as I can. Yesterday's post revealed one of the positive powers that helped me. I felt the solid earth and saw life sprouting there. There are many others, all sharing the same quality of directing me back to the present and an appreciation of how fortunate I am. I can be thankful for that.